Updated: Mar 14, 2020
"I feel there is a rule of when it's socially appropriate to stop sharing my grief"
Is this actually a real thing that I'v missed?
This question came at me this week and took me back to a place where I learnt my biggest life lesson.
Grief is dear to my heart,my own personal experiences of loosing 5 dearly loved family members within an 18 month period.
My parents very close together within 7 weeks of each other.
Let me make it really clear your well meaning family and friends that come up with
" time heals"
"now that the worst is over"
" it's really time you moved on "
Or whatever other nauseating platitudes that role off peoples tongues without any real thought, other than to conceal and calm their own unease.
Chances are they have never felt the knife daggers of grief that pierce thru ones heart at the slightest connection to our dearly departed, or they themselves are heartless.
Trying to heal in a world where there is no room for grief just doesn't work.
Locking away pain and putting on a brave face isn't the answer.
A few weeks before the avalanche of grief that came crashing down tossing me around as if I was forever lost at sea.
My Father asked me to drive him up to see his Mothers grave, Dad was about to turn 90 and it was his Mothers 60th anniversary of her death.
He cried, soft, tears as he told me how beautiful she was, what a brilliant Mother, writer, poet, pianist, how sad he was when she died and that he felt her with him always.
He could describe exactly how she held him as a small child.
I never knew this Grandmother as she died 10 years before I was born, although I have a collection of her published and unpublished writings she is still a beautiful mystery.
When I asked Dad how will I cope and get thru when you and Mum are no longer here with me.
His answer never leaves me, as he held my hand and said
" The pain of loosing some one you love is the worst pain in the world there is nothing like it. You will feel as if you are locked in a room and the windows have been nailed shut, no matter how hard you try to push the window up its pointless , you often find yourself at the window trying to pull out the nails but alas its too difficult, until one day you give the window a nudge and before your know it a couple of nails have come loose just enough to let some air in...
This will go on for a very long time until one day you find yourself standing at the window and you realise that the curtains are blowing in the wind and you feel sunshine on your face. The window has been pushed almost to the top.
But my dear over your life time you will find yourself back at that window, and those nails get harder and harder to pull out, but have faith that just when you think its impossible to open the window someone gives you a gentle nudge and the nails come loose."
Dealing with my own grief and pain of loosing my Mother was no where near as difficult as when Dad took my hand and in a very sad voice said
'I don't think I'll be able to push the window up now Dear, my heart is broken saying goodbye to Audrey .The window so tightly nailed shut, I haven't got the energy to pull out the nails"
My answer was so swift, that I felt exactly the same and I couldn't imagine how I could live with out Mum.
" trust me your window will go up and your curtains will blow in the sunny breeze"
Dad was right my window is just about always fully open
I started to honour the journey of healing and find my own way.
I moved on from people that were determined to control my grieving time. I realised that when I took away the expiry date on grief I felt better.
I now feel beyond blessed when people choose to attend my wellness classes and retreats,as a way of finding the sunshine on their faces, as I truly know they leave with a few nails that have been gently nudged out .